I wish I could say life was rough for me and tell you how I battled through it. Truth is, it could’ve been worse. I think a lot of what happened in my life I ignored. You learn to become ignorant. I’ve always felt like God was Santa to adults. You know he’s not real but a part of you wishes he was. Part of me wishes he was. Then I read about bishops and priests and how they condemn gays.
I watch footage of ministers in Africa quoting the bible to back their prejudice. People judge others based on a book of stories. Random words.
I’m a scientific thinker. If you can’t prove it, I don’t usually believe it. I’ve always had to. Bullying, that’s real. The not wanting to go into school, the pretending to be ill, the wondering if you’ll ever see the light of day. That’s real. You could say I had the faith beaten out of me. Not literally but emotionally. I gave up.
When I was younger, I used to pray. I used to get on my knees and pray to God I wasn’t gay. That it was a phase. Then I’d pray I wasn’t disabled. I used to pray that i’d be normal. It never helped. Instead I had lad mates refuse to touch me or let me near them, I had people whisper about me. I always say I’ve never experienced homophobia but I was blind to it I guess. My high school was no better either.
Racism was not allowed, it was discrimination. There would be assemblys about it, lessons based around it but yet homophobia was never addressed. It was taboo. Guess they didn’t want to upset the Conservative-voting parents and people who donated to the school.
I lost my faith in God and I lost my faith in people but what’s life if you don’t have anything to believe in. I feel empty sometimes, it’s a lot of pressure. You see, when anything bad happens or they’re scared, those who believe can turn to God. Offload their problems. Me, I’m stuck with them. There’s nobody to look to for answers or for hope. The only faith I have left…
Is faith in myself.
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