As a resident of picturesque Scotland, I have been forced to join friends on weekly running sessions up glens (that’s a big hill, to those with normal vocabulary) and over many a sandy beach. I’ll be frank, I despise it. Loathe, in fact.

The reason for my hatred is probably just that I’m pretty unfit and almost definitely carrying a little bit too much beef. I simply cannot compete with my peers. One good thing has come of my recent running escapades – I believe I’m a great actor. How I can be close to death but pretend that I’m actually okay and can indeed breathe, kind of amazes me.

Anyway – you’re probably wondering by now what the point of this actually is. I’ll tell you. I’ve come up with several ingenious excuses to avoid going out on such dreaded runs and I’m going to share them with you, my fellow couch potatoes. For those fit and sexy gym junkies out there, you have two options here. 1) Don’t continue reading, this isn’t for you. 2) Continue reading and judge me, I’m okay with that.

So, without further ado, let me teach you how to be lazy and unmotivated.

1 – It’s a bit hot outside. There is a high chance that I could melt. With that big hot sun up there, I simply can’t go running. I’d have to put sun-cream on and I don’t quite fancy the idea of sweating that into my eyeballs.

2 – It’s raining outside. I could slip and die due to my mildly moist surroundings. Basically, I’m looking for clear with a hint of breeze to even consider going out for a run.

3 – I’ve just eaten. This is a good one for me personally, simply because I’ve always ‘just eaten’. If I were to go out running, passer-bys better beware because I will projectile vomit in your face, I promise.

4 – I don’t have time. Usually, this would be because you’re busy doing other things, probably more important things. Nope, not me. You’ll find me sitting in front of the telly, probably watching Emmerdale and eating a massive bag of Doritos. Laying on the couch, closely resembling a beached whale is my happy place. I’m a much nicer person in this state. Stick me on a beach with bouncy shoes, tiny shorts which leave little to the imagination and starve me of chocolatey goodness – I’m not so nice.

5 – Oh dear, I forgot to wash my running stuff. Yeah, I forgot to wash them the time before that, and the time before that last time, and the time before two last times ago. Whoops.

6 – I don’t feel too great. My muscles are a bit sore. I’ve got a killer headache. My elephantiasis is playing up today. Basically, even a paper cut means I won’t be running for at least a week. What a shame.

7 – One last episode of Suits. And then Prison Break, Sons of Anarchy, Homeland and Dexter and then, I promise I’ll go. Oh wait, what a great cliff hanger. Just one more. Midnight? Bedtime. What a shame!

8 – But, I’m already perfect? If all of the above excuses fail you, this is your final hope. No, you shouldn’t feel guilty about eating both the ‘two for one’ pizzas from Domino’s. Yes, eating that ‘to share’ packet of crisps is simply to feed your brain, not your belly. Why run when you’re already built like an ox? Yeah… not even I have the balls to try this excuse out but you know, it’s there if you need it. You’re welcome.

Please, let me know in the comments below that I’m not one of a kind and share some of your favourite excuses. The wilder, the better. 

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