As someone who has and is dealing with anxiety, I am always reverting to the standard response to those around me who ask, “how are you?” or “how are you feeling?” – I always respond with “I’m fine.” In most cases, it blows over and we move along although deep down inside I am screaming, wanting to tell more but too afraid to open up even just a little because I do not want to impose on others. This conversation from The Italian Job depicts how I really feel inside when I say, “I’m fine.”
John Bridger: I feel so optimistic. How do you feel?
Charlie Croker: [shrugging] I’m fine.
John Bridger: Fine? You know what “fine” stands for, don’t you?
Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.
John Bridger: Freaked out…
Charlie Croker: Insecure…
John Bridger: Neurotic…
Charlie Croker: And Emotional.
Is there more to it than just being Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional? Is there a tangible line between being “FINE,” and really being fine?
I guess I can go into detail about why I am writing this type of article, and hopefully you’ll understand a little bit more about anxiety. Who knows, it may even help you in your struggles too. I have been dealing with high anxiety prominently over the last six months. I noticed the increase once I entered my new job and I was confined to a space where I was by myself (alone with my thoughts), and I did not really do much social interacting. I was always wondering about what was going on outside the walls of my work.
In general, we do not want conflict. We want everything to run smoothly, with no bumps and no hesitations in our decision-making. In my world, that simply doesn’t happen. I am constantly pushing through a crowd that’s not even there. I get claustrophobic in a place where it would be considered “open”. The ringing in my ears is constantly overpowering and I find myself dazed in thoughts and doubts. Why do I put myself through this, you ask? Why must I put myself into situations that I can’t control and move away from?
It’s easier said than done to change it. Anxiety takes something small and engorges it to an insurmountable scale. For instance at my workplace I have a due date for a kitchen for this Friday. My mind and my body makes it out to have it ready, no big deal! My anxiety however… It takes it over and makes me stressed; “you’re never going to get it done”, “the people wont like your work”, and so on.
I try to push through it. I’ve spoken with doctors about it, and I am on track to get my anxiety controlled. It’s never an easy thing to “get over” an issue, but they can be made more manageable. It’s a process that takes time, and through the hardship, and the pain, knowing that there is a way out… that gives me hope. It gives me motivation.