This topic for some reason has been a very hard one for myself to not only comprehend for myself, but to also understand in someone else’s perspective. I am constantly setting limits on how much I should trust someone, and in the end I feel I am always being burned or turned against.
I’m not too sure if this has ever happened to you, but this is my story and hopefully you can take what I’ve done, and maybe use it for your advantage so you do not have to deal with it yourself.All my life I was told by my parents that trust and honesty are the two most important aspects in a relationship, and into marriage. Throughout those times I watched as my parents fought relentlessly and pushed away from each other but always in the end they would reconcile and love one another. It always confused me as they were always at each other for every little thing, and I began to take on those attributes.
In later years where I was allowed to date, I would always go into a relationship expecting so much, and expecting to get as much as I could out of them. They usually only lasted four months if that, and I would be so set off from their behaviour that I’d break up with them because I would fear being hurt. I would always go home and cry and wonder why I could never trust anyone; why I couldn’t be honest with them and why I would never really and fully understand why I pushed away from people – until this relationship I am in now.
Talking about this now, I am reflecting on my growth in those two main areas; Trust and Honesty.
I have been seeing my trust with my partner grow over these nine months with him and I continuously struggle with giving him more and more trust. It is hard, and I always question why I have such trust issues as it’s not like I have ever been in a relationship where I was badly burned by trusting someone too much. I think what it is for me is that since I only came out as gay just over a year ago and then got into a serious relationship with someone who has been openly gay for more than 10 years, the volume of our experience pitches at noticeably different levels. I am still not used to some of the things that my partner does, and sometimes I grow weary in my trust for him, but I push myself to continue and to strengthen my trust for him, and this is where honesty ties in.
I am very honest with my partner and how I feel. This is something that was really hard to be because being confrontational was often mortally terrifying and I felt I would rather die than actually say anything, so I would bottle it all up. I knew he knew what was wrong but I was reluctant to tell him, which always caused arguments at the beginning of our relationship. More recently – I would say in the last 3 months – I have been very open (far more open than I was) with how I was feeling with everything; how he acted towards me and towards other people. He was honest with his answers, and it became clear to me that even though being honest with him would cause some disagreements, in the end it resolved issues much faster than if I had bottled it in.
In the end, I think my parents two attributes which was ingrained into me was to always be trusting and to be honest. They are true reflections of these two elements and I think these are key to every relationship. Now, I know my partner and I will continue to get into arguments and fights but I know that through being honest with each other, and trusting each other. It will grow and develop into a great relationship.
What is one piece of advice that your parents either directly or indirectly taught you about dating?