It’s not much of a secret that I’m kinda old. Habbox as a whole actually has a rather older-than-your-average-Habbo population for the most part, but even so I’m well up there. Today, boils and gurgles, we are going to be looking at how to attain a ripe age in a graceful and respectable manner… and as usual I shall utterly fail to take any of my own advice.

READ MORE NOW OK.

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One thing that all old people have in common is that they are old. Astounding, I know. That said, some do it better than others, accepting the loss of their youth and adapting properly rather than desperately trying to hold on to the past. I mean really, WHO would do such a thing?

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[DON’T IGNORE THAT IT’S HAPPENING…]

It’s tempting (oh boy is it tempting) to just pretend that you’re not getting old. Our culture is obsessed with youth, and this along with that old devil “nostalgia” makes it difficult to admit that you’re not as young as you once were.

I personally am of course the embodiment of youth and always will be, so I have nothing to fear here. Most of you reading this will not be blessed with eternal preservation however, but don’t despair! Change is scary but inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be bad!

Sure there’s the weak joints, sagging skin, loss of hair, new hair in other weird places, lack of energy, added responsibilities, loss of sensory skills, and a tendency to grumble lots, but if you play it right there’s also understanding, level-headedness, distinction, respect, self acceptance, greater array of choice, and the ability to yell at people JUST for being younger than you. Not a terrible trade-off, and since it’s 100% going to happen you might as well get to loving it!

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[…BUT DON’T EMBRACE IT TOO CLOSELY]

Yeah you’re old, yeah you’re gonna be a bit crotchety. Not having “the best years of your life” going on any more sucks, but you’re not dead and buried yet.

Just as there are negative stereotypes about them there goshdarned young’ns, so there are negative ideas about old people. Reading is fundamental and a lot of fun if you have the right books, but you don’t have to just sit around in a rocking chair with a book. Sounds pretty good to me actually but switch it up from time to time – my grandmother (rest her hilarious soul) was still doing cartwheels and swimming regularly into her late 80s. Seriously, CARTWHEELS.

Don’t let getting old get you down. It’s natural, it’s somewhat terrifying, and most of all it’s happening. Right now. You aren’t as young as you were when you started reading this. Just feel blessed that you spent your time reading the absolute nonsense I publish here, and then get back to whatever it is that makes you happy. Being old does not have to mean giving up any of life’s pleasures!

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[AND DON’T TRY TOO HARD TO STAY RELEVANT!]

Youth culture shifts constantly. Especially in the information age where fleeting memes are king and “throwback thursday” can literally make last week look like ancient history, there’s really just no point even trying to keep up.

Did you see the latest viral video about that thing that happened in that place? No you bloody didn’t, you were watching University Challenge in your armchair and wondering what kind of throw would look best on the sofa that you never actually sit on.

The worst culprits of trying too hard in a digital world are the Karens of the world, those Facebook mums who feel the need to constantly repost everything they’ve seen that’s made them so much as pause their scrolling for a second. It’s usually something horribly pixelated with a bunch of “inspirational” text on a flowery background, or failing that just something with Minions on it and that stupid crylaugh emoji. These are the same people who describe themselves as A LITTLE BIT CRAZY!!! while working a 9-5 filing job and maybe having a single glass of white wine on a Saturday night if they’re not too tired.

If you feel attacked by the above description; good. Stop immediately.

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[#TomsTopTips]

So there we have it. A few words of reassurance for you, and now some final thoughts:

• Sometimes you will have to “push” to pee. That’s natural, don’t panic.
• The ability to revile people just for being young is wonderful and should be used often.
• There is almost always going to be someone older than you. Even here, there are people older than me, and I’m bloody old.
• Don’t feel bad for getting old at a different rate to someone else. Some people are born 40 and some don’t turn 20 until they’re 65.
• Get off my bloody lawn!

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